Wednesday, October 22, 2014

Q is for Questioning

"Any truth is better than indefinite doubt."
- Arthur Conan Doyle

Pressure. For so long I've defined myself as society intended - as a student - so much so that in the process, I've done a lot of quieting of my own voice because it's what others wanted, it's what others said was the right next step. I had always questioned whether or not school was the place for me, but reasons would outweigh my doubt.

My earliest memory of school is me as a 7 year old with five barrette-adorned ponytail twists terrorizing my class like a bat out of hell because back then my temper was wild and grew to be even wilder whenever I encountered the word "no". Even then I didn't like the environment I was in. There were certain things - there are certain things that I love about school. I love learning. I love the pats on the back that would undoubtedly reveal itself when hard work became evident in the form of A's or B's. I loved being a part of something bigger than myself. But somewhere after diploma and somewhere before Bachelor's Degree, that feeling that never went away heightened to a fever pitch.

"Why am I here?"

The questioning began and it was constant, constant to the point that happiness barely broke through its rhythm, "Why am I here?" rarely missed a beat. It was a sad song, and only because it reflected the turmoil and confusion amongst what was the practical thing to do and what was the thing I wanted to do. I felt like I didn't have control over what I spent doing with my life, like a prisoner inside a world built by those around me.

"Where am I going?"

Often times, it's a question that stems from another unanswered question of "What am I doing?". My mom and I were having a conversation a few weeks ago and while biting into my bacon cheeseburger, she asked another question, "When are you going back to school?" I had a default answer: "In a year", but she saw through me like the glass that I've always been to her, or maybe the mirror.

She said, "You're not going back to school Sheriden."

My own question filled the tense air between us. "How do you know?"

"Because I know you."

There was such comfort living in her words. Perhaps because it felt like a relief that someone could somehow know me more than I knew me at the moment and perhaps knowing that one thing made what was unknown less scary. Thus, I was less afraid because there was answer there and there was certainty. I've begun to ask myself so many new questions, questions I'm allowing myself to become immersed within now that I've allowed myself to surrender to those curiosities.

What do you want? 

I've programmed myself for so long to feel as though the things that I want shouldn't matter in lieu of being realistic, passions could only be hobbies. Want comes second to need. I've begun to touch the surface in the writing work I've done for others as well as projects I've done for myself and am willing to give my all to those things, to see where this path takes me, to take a break from the things that don't make me happy and to instead focus my energy on the things that do. It's not the end of my pursuit of a formal education, just simply a "to be continued".

I'm not always confident that I will find my way, but I am always certain that I will.

This post is part of The Layers of Self-Discovery Tour created by GG Renee of All the Many Layers.  Follow the tour through the blogs of 26 women exploring the complexities of womanhood and self-discovery from A to Z.  Click here to keep up with each post and enter to win a giveaway package full of goodies for your mind, body and soul.   #LayersAtoZTour

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Eat Good | Steel Restaurant & Lounge

Last month, my coworker Lauren and I took part in Midtown Restaurant Week and grabbed lunch at Steel, a restaurant specializing in sushi but offering an array of different Asian cuisine. Restaurant Week is basically a gift from foodie heaven and allows you to eat a lot while spending a fraction of the price of what you'd normally spend. Although Steel didn't prepare a menu specifically for Restaurant Week, it was cool to experience eating a bento box for the first time. My calamari was well seasoned and so was the Korean beef Lauren ordered that I stole from her periodically as we ate.

My favorite part of the meal however was the spring roll which consisted of mango chunks, crab meat, and lettuce leaves. I'm starting to learn that the most unlikely foods can make the most harmonious pairing. It was absolutely delicious.

Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Around the Web | "Love Notes"

episode 4 | Konah

"I don't feel like you can love someone until you're willing to sacrifice more of yourself for that person. It can't be like a feeling. Like, you can't just tell someone you love them. I feel like that's one of the biggest problems of today. Everybody's so quick to say that they love someone but they are not willing to go the mile for it."

episode 5 | Lauren

"I feel like there are a lot of different kinds of love but I feel like love in its truest form is unconditional. Love doesn't mean that you're stupid for people but you still don't anything against people when you love them. Love is God. Love is real, love is... I don't know, that's kind of like asking what is air? What is water? That's kind of something that you know you can't really live without. When you have it, you know."

The ATL-based graphic designer extraordinaire Luqman Coffen was beyond amazing for creating a dope logo for my channel:

Be sure to subscribe! "Love Notes" featuring couples & their advice + stories are on their way! Be on the lookout for them next month!

Friday, October 10, 2014

Wildflower Writing // On Celibacy: Saying No to Bedtime Vows, For Now

I've never had an involuntary dry spell when it comes to sex. I've been sexually active since I was 17, late senior year and have been sexually active since with dry spells of a few months at the most and as I alluded to in the beginning, all of which were voluntary. This one is similar to those. 23 has really done a number on me. I’m starting to reevaluate a lot of my friendships that aren't serving me, I've been able to close the door on relationships that are leading nowhere despite a dickmatized lapse in judgment my past self could attest to, and analyzing my emphasis on sexuality both inside and outside of committed relationships.

I had a conversation with a homie of mine who felt like I place too much emphasis on sex altogether, while I've always viewed my outlook on the subject matter as healthy. Why shouldn't I want to have my needs fulfilled and doubly so, when involved romantically with someone I love? Why is that abnormal? Why does that make me a freak?

via tumblr