Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Eat Good | Thumbs Up Diner

was surprised by this little gem a few weeks ago that does Atlanta diners a service by serving breakfast all day. If you didn't know before, you do now: I love brunch. I ordered one of their signature omelets which consisted of my favorite things: salmon, spinach, and of course eggs. The cream cheese probably subtracted all possibilities of this being healthy but my stomach didn't complain so I won't either. I hoped for convo of the more effortless variety, but it's okay, sometimes the best part of a brunch date is the brunch itself. Maybe I'll just go with girlfriends next time.

And I'd like to give a shoutout to all the lovely people who commented on my last post. I was really nervous about being so revealing and in fact had only told a couple of close friends my main intent about taking that trip and what closure meant to me so to be greeted with such a positive response was incredible. Sometimes I battle with what's too much and what's too little. I think for now I've found a balance that works for me. Thank you all for being so supportive. I really love you guys. [Insert thug tear here]

And now, I'm hungry again.

Friday, September 12, 2014

On Emotional Unavailability, Closure, & Learning to Attract What I Expect

I've been debating whether or not to post this, but seeing as I posted about my Nashville trip on Wednesday, with very vague details of reason and intent, I figure let's post this here for transparency sake because I like to show all of me.

In all honesty, I've been carrying the burden of a flame.

For years now.

It hits me whenever I speak of him, whenever nostalgia takes over and forces me to surrender to corners of my mind where I thought I left him forgotten, to revisit spaces of my being called "whole" for the sake of time that had elapsed. But as I measure my decisions when it comes to men, it's not necessarily that old wise woman's cliche of knowing your value and your worth. I have that knowledge. That isn't what fuels my decisions. My emotional unavailability is what fuels my decisions. I met a guy a little while ago who was as ready as I tried to be the epitome of, but instead I was a caricature, distorted, and as his readiness led, my feet caused me to drag. I wasn't ready. And I think in those instances, that's when that attraction of what I expect came into play and led me to situations where my counterpart wasn't "ready". It wouldn't matter in the end every single time because the reason I was there was because I truly wasn't there. I had to evaluate and converse with myself of the reasons why I repeatedly found myself in these predicaments. It was him, that flame still burned. I realized I hadn't fully given myself to anyone since him.

It's not about not knowing what I want or being confused. I know what I want. I'm just not ready for what I want. As I said in my last post, he and I spoke from time to time, but like much of our relationship that occurred all those years ago, it was done while we were separate as opposed to together. I decided that for me to truly heal, my first step would have to be to become aware: check. And the second would have to be to see him again. To share laughter, words, grievances in real time. I needed to close that door in real life and not just as a voice. So that was my part of my purpose, and although I can't say I woke up suddenly ready, I feel a lot better - cool, calm, free... Free.

Seeing him one more time helped me achieve a level of closure I didn't think was possible. Not many people get to have that in life. I have a lot that I want, a lot of which is just on the horizon, and I'd like to assure myself that it's enough to focus on myself and those things and stand strong in what I want and what I don't want. I've been doing that slowly but surely and am so proud of the strides that I've made thus far and where the decisions I've made have led in terms of uncovering more things about myself.

Seek and ye shall find.

Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Over the Weekend | A Nashville Diary

Nashville was exciting to say the least. It was important to me to experience a change of scenery, even if only a brief one, and in addition to that an ex that I am building a friendship with had some exciting news that's taking him away for a year so it became a killing of birds with one stone. I'd been to Nashville before 3 years ago, but saw very little because I'd spent much of the duration of the trip with his family so this experience and the places I visited while there were so new to me. It's a really vibrant city, the air is filled with a lot of promise, thus a lot of creatives feel inclined to show themselves to the world and often at that. It's difficult to stop somewhere and eat and not find someone outside playing music to passerby or even a gig while we eat. My favorite was a duo I listened to while eating beignets with a bottle of Angry  Orchard at the Bourbon Street Boogie and Blues Cafe. He gave a soul-stirring rendition of "I'd Rather Go Blind" that I had no choice but to succumb to.

I think of all though, my favorite thing was the first thing he and I did. As soon as I got in town, we got ribs from Jack's BBQ and then headed to Shelby Park, a massive, beautiful reality of a place. It overlooks a river and has infinite pathways that lead you to various places throughout the park. It's possible to go through the whole thing and still find new ways to get from Point A to Point B. We found a field of yellow flowers and it took my breath away honestly.

As for him, I was really happy to see him again, everything felt familiar and not necessarily in a romantic way, but in a way that made connecting on a basic human level possible. As we were walking through downtown Nashville in the night air after indulging in a bit at Mike's Ice Cream Parlor, I said to him, "This weekend is the most we've talked in 3 years." I had no idea how much I longed to repair that friendship until then. I had always loved him, but after the split, I just didn't know what to do with it except be distant and surface about it. But I get it now. I've always been the girl who never befriends an ex, but maybe some are worth the exception. I'm really proud of where he is going in life, inspired by the way he has always defied being realistic in order to remain passionate, and happy I got to hug him goodbye vs texting "I'll miss you".

See you when you're back, thanks for showing me your city. I was able to do as a wanderer does and wander.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost

He's taught me this weekend to keep that quote especially close. I think I can afford to hold on a little while longer while my life comes together, trust the process a little more, keep the faith. Not be in such a rush and live but live purposefully.  

Monday, September 8, 2014

Play | "Water Me" x FKA twigs

I first stumbled upon FKA twigs through her song "tw-ache". Although it was wordless, I found the track haunting, her dance moves hypnotic, and her artistic vision as a whole enticing. It's definitely one of those songs that make you feel something. The 26-year-old singer-songwriter is London-bred began her career as a back up dancer and can be seen in popular videos such as Jessie J's "Price Tag". She grew weary of the background and has fought her way to the forefront of the new wave of R&B through undeniable talent and work ethic. In her 2014 Pitchfork interview, she says, "I love my music, so I want to produce, write, and serve my music. I've had to learn about EQ frequencies, and programming, and space, and clutter, and how to be a better piano or bass player, everything. You can have big aspirations, but then you realize your skill level or your insecurities are holding you back. So you start to hate yourself, because it's so frustrating!"

The song I chose to feature of hers is from her second extended play release adeptly entitled "EP2". "Water Me" is a song that I think could have multiple meanings for different people. For me, it made me feel like she was the other half of a sexual relationship yearning for more, while her partner ends things because he sees they are not on the same page, she decides to return to his page if it means that he will stay.

"Water me...I promise I can grow tall..."

“Some of the songs that people think are the most sexual are not at all to me. Like when I sing, ‘If you want to touch me you can do it with the lights on,’ that’s a metaphor for letting certain people see the different, ugly sides of you that others won't be able to see.”
- FKA twigs